Rewards and Self-Esteem

Feb 3, 2012 by John Rosemond

For almost two decades, research done by people like Roy Baumeister of Florida State University has shown, as conclusively as social science research is capable of showing, that high self-esteem is associated with anti-social behavior. Think, for example, bullying. It appears that the higher one’s self-regard, the lower his regard for others. People with high self-regard believe themselves to be entitled. What they want, they believe they deserve to have. Because they deserve what they want, the ends justify the means. Think, for example, Bernie Madoff.

People who are humble pay attention to you. They try to figure out, in any situation, what they can do to help you and make you feel comfortable. It’s about you, not the Almighty Them. On the other side of the equation, people who possess high self-esteem want people to pay attention to and do things for them. In fact, they tend to get upset if people don’t pay them attention and cater to them. Furthermore, the folks in question are often malcontents who are never satisfied with any degree of catering.

Concerning rewards, it has been known for quite some time that rewards often depress achievement levels. Likewise, people with high self-esteem tend to perform below their level of ability. Why? Because they believe that anything they do is worthy of merit; therefore, they do the minimum, if that.

A recent conversation with a Navy commander illustrates the point. He told me that he deals “all the time” with young recruits who believe that they should be rewarded for whatever they do, whenever they do it, even if they do nothing more than what is minimally expected of them. They have acquired this very entitled, uncooperative attitude from their parents and the schools they attended. Their parents can be forgiven. They were simply doing what Parents’ Magazine and other publications and talking heads told them to do. Educators, on the other hand, should have had the wherewithal to ask the fundamental question: Is there compelling evidence that giving rewards for adequate or even improved performance actually improves academic achievement over the long haul?

Concerning classroom behavior, rewards often backfire. Give a child who is aggressive during free play a reward for not being aggressive for ten minutes and he is very likely to turn right around and be aggressive. He realizes, intuitively, that the only reason he is being singled out for a reward is precisely BECAUSE he is aggressive; therefore, to keep the rewards coming he must continue to aggress.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents? questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.